Why You Should Treat Finding a Therapist Like Finding a Partner

When it comes to finding a therapist, most people don’t know where to begin. I cannot begin to tell you how many people have asked me this question after striking out time after time. Maybe they get a referral through a friend, maybe they did a cursory Google search for “therapists near me”, or maybe (God forbid) they recalled a commercial for a therapy service and thought “I would love to be able to text my therapist whenever I want”. Does any of this sound familiar yet? Needless to say, there are a ton of options out there, and as someone in the field, even I have struggled to find the right person to do constructive internal and let's face it, intimate work with. The truth of the matter is that finding the right therapist for you is probably going to be difficult. However, anything worthwhile takes some time and effort and I believe with my whole heart that therapy is one of the best things anyone can do for themselves.

A while back, I came across the notion that for most people, it would be beneficial to treat finding a therapist the same way you might when looking for a partner. This notion stuck with me, and over time, it has proven true. So, let’s dive in. Number one - It’s important to consider your options. Number 2 - you must be pragmatic. And last, but not least, number 3 - you need to have THE SPARK. To that end, I’d like to share my thoughts with you all.

Considering Your Options

As I touched on before, there are several ways to go about finding a therapist. Your friends, family, or doctor can refer you. You can find a random therapist online. You can sign up for a service… and so on. Some questions you might want to ask yourself honestly are:

• What kind of interface do I want (in person, video conference, calling, texting)? Personally, I believe there is a magic to doing therapy face-to-face, but let’s face it - there’s a convenience factor to video chatting that can’t be ignored. Beyond that, a phone call can stand in if needed, but please, for the love of therapy, do not think you are going to achieve any significant insight if you are doing text therapy. Changing your deepest and most difficult inner hurdles is difficult, and most people can’t even manage to successfully plan a dinner via text.

• What am I looking for in a therapist? Are you someone who likes a more leaned in approach or would you prefer more of an attentive ear? These are things you can ask or address in your first session!

• Would I feel more comfortable with a man or a woman? Like it or not, these dynamic plays a role, so be honest with yourself when considering this question.

• Building off that last point, consider also age, race, etc. and remember to be honest with yourself.

Be Pragmatic

• Figure out how much you can afford to pay for therapy. You’ll want to meet with your therapist at least once a week to make any type of meaningful progress.

• Figure out how long you think you’ll want to do therapy. This ties into what you want to work on. If it’s something transient, maybe you can afford more per session! If it’s a deeper issue that is going to take some time, consider that as well.

• Figure out what your insurance will cover. Do you have a copay for mental health services? What % do they pay? How long will it take you to meet your deductible?

• Therapy can be expensive, so try and quantify ahead of time what you think it would be worth to resolve your issues. In my experience, therapists have often felt expensive until I considered the gravity of the issues they were helping me with. For example, would you pay $2,000 to be cured of your depression? In my experience, most people who struggle with depression would say “hell yeah”, but it’s easy to lose sight of that when you’re paying $150/session out of pocket.

The irreplaceable “spark”

• Just like dating, you need to have a connection with your therapist. This isn’t like most health professionals where their knowledge is the main factor in determining their efficacy. When you’re working on intimate issues, you’ll need someone you can trust. Someone you can talk to, and who engages you. I wish it weren't so, but sadly this is the hardest part. I have several friends who have started and stopped therapy simply because they didn’t have a connection with their first therapist. This factor can be more important than almost anything else, so please take it seriously.

For most people, the best way to find a therapist is to find out which therapists are covered under your insurance, and then do a bit of research. Check out their psychology today profile, their LinkedIn, and maybe their websites. This can give you a sense of who they are and what their values are, but unfortunately, like dating, there is no magic formula to find a perfect match.

In summary, finding a therapist can be tough, and frankly, most people are not thrilled to take a good hard look in the mirror. Beginning therapy can be scary on its own, and it is frustrating to have to face all these additional hurdles. Hopefully this post arms you with some useful tips along the way. Please remember, therapy can be a deeply healing and gratifying process, so in short: it’s worth it.

Good luck out there!